Columbus=Douchebag

The famed explorer who supposedly "discovered" the Americas was a psychotic, bloodthirsty monster who enjoyed nothing more than Abu Ghraib-style torture parties.

That's according to disgusting new evidence unearthed by a Spanish archivist.

"Christopher Columbus was a cruel, despotic tyrant who ruled over his subjects with an iron fist, according to new documents which have emerged 500 years after his death," the Independent reports today.

"The discoverer of America routinely subjected slaves to torture and starved his own subjects in colonies in what is now the Dominican Republican."

Consuelo Varela of the High Council for Scientific Research in Seville found the outrageous documents last year and has been carefully transcribing them.

She found that the cruelty of Columbus was matched only by his greed and stupidity.

It was the greed that sent him back to Spain in shackles to face trial for massive graft. At the trial, 23 witnesses made their case against the satanic idiot. As everyone hated him, it wasn't hard to find witnesses.

Columbus encouraged the brutality of slavery, and happily punished even "white" Spaniards by cutting off various body parts and selling them as disfigured laborers.

There were no trials in his horrible outpost, and even members of his own inner circle were frequently tortured and killed when they did anything to upset the touchy tyrant. It's as if Donald Rumsfeld personally ran the torture prison at Guantanamo Bay and personally sodomized the inmates, rather than send specially-trained military psychotics to do his dirty work.

The stupidity of Columbus is famous; until his miserable death he believed Cuba's tropical mountains were the Himalayas. A simple hike across the narrow island's interior would've quickly settled the issue, but Columbus was too much of a moron to figure out how to walk uphill.

Like most sociopathic fascists, Columbus was a very pious Christian. The latest discoveries prove once again why the Devil was so anxious to get Columbus home to Hell.